Jill’s Little BIG Book of Animals

(Upbeat guitar and piano music plays)

Coles Little Treehouse presents Jill's Little Big Book of Animals. (Wind blowing, door opens)

Written by Andy Griffiths and Terry Denton, and read by Stig Weams.

(Upbeat music continues)

Hi, I'm Andy. I live in a treehouse with my friend Terry and we make books together. I write the words and he draws the pictures.

Hi, I'm Terry. I live in a treehouse with my friend Andy. We make books together. I draw the pictures and he writes the words.

Hi, I'm Jill. I live in a house full of animals in the forest, near my friends Andy and Terry. I like animals and solving problems and doing puzzles.

And I'm Silky. I'm a catnary and I can fly! Meow. And I'm Jill's favourite pet.

(Upbeat music ends)

If you're like most of our listeners, you're probably wondering why I live in a house full of animals. Well, it's because I love animals. They are amazing. But don't just take my word for it, read this book about how amazing animals are, and you'll see for yourself.

Loop-the-Looper. Look at this beautiful butterfly, for instance. It's a Brush-footed, gossamer-winged loop-the-looper. It's the loopiest insect in the whole animal kingdom, capable of up to one million loops per day.

(Wings fluttering) Loo, woo. Woo!

Wow, just look at that Loop-the-Looper loop.

(Wings fluttering) Woo, woo-woo, woo! Woo!

Ninja Snails. Loop-the-Loopers take ages to get anywhere because of all that looping. But compared to Ninja Snails, they're quite fast. Ninja Snails are the slowest of all animals. In fact, they're even slower than a block of wood, as you can tell from this animal speed chart.

From slowest to slow. Slowest: a Ninja Snail... (Hiyaaah, hoo!)

A block of wood, (chop)

A cheetah with four broken legs... (Cheetah groaning)

A sloth... (Purring)

An elephant on a scooter being chased by a mouse... (Snickering, elephant roar)

A cow on a bicycle... (Moo, bicycle bell)

and a Ninja Snail on a skateboard. (Wheels rolling, hiyaaah hoo!)

On the other hand, turbo tortoises are really fast. They're even faster than a cow driving a Ferrari. And that's really, REALLY fast! As you can see from this animal speed chart, from fast to fastest.

Fast: a penguin being chased by the police. (Police siren, running footsteps)

An octopus on roller skates. (Wheels rolling)

A monkey on a wire. (Monkey noises)

A cow in a Ferrari. (Car zooming past)

A Turbo Tortoise! (Jet launching)

And speaking of cows, did you know they are the sneakiest of all animals? No, neither did I until I saw how they stole all of Andy and Terry's Treehouse movie ideas and made their own Cowhouse moo-vie.

(Cows mooing) And action moo (clap), take one.

Moooo.

Gibbon. Cows are not the only animals that make movies. For example, Mel Gibbon was cast as Andy in the Treehouse movie, which Andy was not happy about. Andy kept calling Mel a monkey. But he isn't. Mel is a Gibbon.

(Film camera rolling) Turnover!

Sound. Speed! Mark it.

101, take three. (Clap)

And action... (film rolling, gibbon noises)

Cut! (Bell ringing, gibbon screams)

Monkeys. Monkeys are different from Gibbons because they have tails. They are a lot of fun, but they can be a bit annoying. Especially, if they get inside your home or even worse, your secret underground laboratory. (Crazy monkey sounds, crashing, screaming)

Frogpotamus. Another animal that a lot of people find annoying is the Frogpotamus. Frogpotamuses like to hide in trees and then jump on the heads of unsuspecting passers by. (Ribbit-ribbit) They don't mean any harm by it, though. They're just being playful.

Ohhh. (Splat!)

(Ribbit) Oh, and I almost forgot. They're really good at bouncing.

Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. Giddy-up!

The very angry duck. As annoying as Frogpotamuses might be, however, they are not dangerous. An animal that is a little bit dangerous is the very angry duck that guards the safe, where Andy keeps his potato chips.

Quack!

I'm not sure why the duck is so angry. Probably, because it would rather be floating on a duck pond than working in a high security potato chip storage facility. (Ta-da trumpets)

(Beating drum) Andy's high security potato chip storage facility with mouse traps, laser beams, 10 ton weight and the very angry duck.

Quack, quack, quack, quack.

Gorgonzola, an animal that is a lot more dangerous than the very angry duck is Gorgonzola. It has a huge appetite and can eat almost anything, even a whole pirate ship in just one gulp. It smells pretty bad, too. But its stench is not life threatening, just extremely unpleasant.

(Monstrous screech, water splashing) Yummy pirate ship.

The really hungry caterpillar. The only animal that has a bigger appetite than Gorgonzola is this really hungry caterpillar.

In one day alone, (loud munching) it ate one flying fried egg car, one enormous bird, two steam rollers, three rhinoceroses, four wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men, five mutant spiders, one grumpy old tomato, a wall of asparagus spears and a reinforced celery door.

Burrrrrrp!

Birthday butterfly. Are you wondering what happened to the really hungry caterpillar after it ate all that stuff I just told you about?

Well, I'm happy to say it had a long sleep (snoring) and while it slept, it turned into a big, beautiful birthday butterfly just in time for Andy and Terry's birthday party. (Alarm clock ringing)

(Party blowers) Hip-hip-hoorayyy!

Oh, look, here comes that Loop-the-Looper again. (Wings fluttering)

And uh-oh, another really hungry caterpillar! Watch out, little Loop-the-Looper!

(Shrieks, chomp, munching… burp!)

Sometimes, animals become part of other animals. Isn't that amazing?

Electricorn. In fact, some of my favourite animals are combinations. Terry invented the Electricorn by combining an electric eel and a unicorn in the combining machine. It set its pants on fire, but that wasn't the Electricorn's fault. It was because Terry broke the golden rule, never stand in front of an electrical animal.

(Electric buzzing, fire ignites) Oh, run away!

Catnary. Another slightly less zappy animal that Terry invented is my Catnary. He did this by painting my cat, Silky, yellow (Spray painting, meow) And then, launching her from the treehouse. (Canon blast)

Tweet, tweet. (Wings fluttering) Tweet, meow.

Who knew cats could fly? Not even I knew that. And I know a lot about cats.

Andy-hog. One of the funniest animals that Terry has invented is this Andy-hog. I don't think Andy saw the funny side, though. And he made Terry un-invent him on the spot, which sadly is why Andy-hogs are now extinct.

(Hog grunts) Terry, it's not funny. Un-invent it now! (Laughter, Hog screeching)

Bignoseasaur. Another extinct animal is the Bignoseasaur. About 65 million years ago, a Bignoseasaur’s big nose exploded. And the huge explosion made all the other dinosaurs extinct, too. Sad.

(Roarrr, loud explosion, fire burning)

Spiders. I love all animals, of course, but my least favourite animals are spiders. That's okay though, because not even spiders like spiders.

Argh! A spider. Argh! A spider.

Note: The only thing scarier than a spider is a giant spider!

(Low rumbling, crowd screaming) Me, Bob. Me, giant spider. Bob like scaring mans.

Terry, this is a really giant spider web with an even more giant spider!

Quiet, Andy, I'm asleep. (Crowd screaming)

We'll be spider dinner. Help, Jill!

The three wise owls. You might be wondering what the smartest animal in the world is. Well, that's a matter of opinion, really. Andy and Terry think the three wise owls are the smartest animals in the world, but I'm not so sure about that.

(Owls hooting) Chicken knees. Nail clippers. Fidget spinners. Aardvark.

Cheese sticks.

Poop, poop! (owl hoots)

They are so wise.

They just sound like they're shouting out random words to me. If I had to choose, I would say the smartest animal in the world is me.

(Buzzer) Nah, just joking. I mean, I am pretty smart and I am an animal. But I wouldn't say I'm the smartest animal in the world. That would have to be…

Andy! (Buzzer) Ha, just joking again. Don't get me wrong, I like Andy a lot and he's good at building treehouses and telling stories. But he's not the smartest animal I've ever met, as the size of his brain scan clearly shows. I mean, Andy can't even tell the difference between a swinging vine and a snake. Nope. The smartest animal I've ever met would have to be...

Terry! (Buzzer) Ha-ha. Got you again! Terry is also good at building treehouses and doing great illustrations, as well. But let's face it, his brain isn't much bigger than Andy's.

Nope. All jokes aside. The smartest animal I know would have to be Dr. Moose! (Ta-da trumpets)

The Splat in the Hat. Story and pictures by Dr. Moose.

Dr. Moose is not only a moose and a qualified doctor, he's also written and illustrated his own children's book. I don't know of too many other animals, wild or domesticated, that can boast that.

Tiny horses. I think you'll agree by now that animals can be a lot of fun and some of the most fun of all are Andy and Terry's tiny horses.

Unlike regular horses, you can hold them in the palm of your hand. And if you need to go for a ride, you just ask them to assemble themselves into a regular-sized horse. Like this... (xylophone plays, neighing)

And then, you climb on. (Horse neighs) And away you go! (Neigh, galloping)

But as much as I love riding tiny horse horses, my favourite animal to ride is definitely the high-flying, mountain-dwelling worm-snatcher! (Bird squawking)

All we have to do is shout, "Rawwk!" And it will swoop down and take us anywhere we want to go (Swoosh, bird chirping)

Well, that just about wraps up my Little Big Book of Animals. I hope you enjoyed it.

And look, another Loop-the-Looper! (Wings fluttering) It's just like the one that got eaten by that really hungry caterpillar and it's arrived just in time to help me fill up the last two pages and finish the book.

(Wings fluttering) Woo, woo.

Wow, just look at that Loop-the-Looper!

The end.

Thanks for listening. See you in the Treehouse!

(Door shuts closed, wind blows)

 

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(Upbeat guitar and piano music plays)

It's joke time! (Crowd cheering) And I'm going to give you my favourite jokes of the entire Little Treehouse series. Let's go.

What did the dog say when it sat on the sandpaper?

Rough. (Laughter)

Why couldn't the cat drink its milk?

Because it didn't have a face. (Laughter)

What do cats have that nobody else does?

Baby cats. (Laughter)

What did one shark say to the other shark after eating a clownfish?

Not only did it look funny, but it tasted funny, too. (Laughter)

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it. (Laughter)

Coles Little Treehouse presents Jill's Little Big Book of Animals. Written by Andy Griffiths and Terry Denton and read by Stig Weams.

Listen to all 24 at coles.com.au

Published by Macmillan Australia Audio, an imprint of Pan Macmillan Australia, a division of Pan Macmillan Publishers International Limited.

Text copyright Andy Griffiths, 2020. Recording copyright – Macmillan Australia Audio, 2020.

The moral right of the author to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted. Recorded at Bay Studio, South Melbourne.

 

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